William Burroughs once said I write to make it happen. In my case, I write to make it stop. I’m feeling a schism within myself and if I’m not careful and integrous to my truest, deepest self, I will split fully into two and create my very own neurosis.
So.. write Witch, write!!
Confession
I’m going to be honest here, for otherwise what is the point?
I have always held a resistance to fully embracing any kind of spiritual path. Even in the very early days of my Reiki attunements and shamanic training, I was aware of a reluctance to fully embed these spiritual pursuits into my everyday waking life. I feared that by doing so I would be denying another, very real and essential aspect to my being.
This ‘other’ aspect to my being, I guess you could call ‘my extrovert’. She just loves to socialise, dance, create new fashion edits, and engage in all manner of recreational activities. She is fun and light-hearted. As opposed to the former, introvert. She is serious, deep and reflective. She questions the meaning of existence. She prays and talks to God; the inner worlds are her domain.
Up to quite recently, I have kept these two aspects separate, with some success. But the wall that once separated the two has now crumbled.
Personality 1 and Personality 2 are at war! And that is my impending neurosis and that is why I write to stop!
The Crux of the Problem
I can’t meditate. I feel like an imposter taking clients and going out dancing & buying shoes no longer satisfies or brings rewards.
(I need to insert a little disclaimer here, in relation to taking clients, in case there are any past or future clients feeling unsettled by this statement. Jung, arguably the greatest psychologist of the 20th century wrote about his ‘two personalities’ in his autobiography Memories, Dreams and Reflections. And over and over again, he declares that it was precisely his resolve to understand himself, that gave birth to his theories of the unconscious, archetypes and individuation).
I am no Carl Jung, but it comforts me to know that I am in good company. In fact, if we’re all honest with ourselves, we probably all feel a dichotomy, an inner split, to one extent or another. But that in itself is not the problem.
The problem arises when there is a clash, or a bleed through; When one of these aspects/personalities rejects or attacks the other. When one vies for dominance. When your introvert sabotages your extravert or vice versa.
Is this a universal condition?
Looking at the world around me, I can’t but conclude that it is. The chaos, the destruction, the annihilation that is everywhere evident, surely speaks to a global and universal neurosis. We’re at war with ourselves. And there are no winners here. Not yet. Not until we find resolution within, can we find resolution without.
Back to Me
Looking at myself and my inner dichotomy, I can see that my ‘problem’ is mainly one of identity, attachment and lack of acceptance. I have given myself two identities; incompatible and irreconcilable. Personality 1 and Personality 2. I have attached my life’s meaning to both and am yet unable to fully accept either.
Oh God! What a stink!!
Resolution
Michelle, (and here I speak to everyone) You are ultimately a fractal of God, a divine spark of Creator. Your Soul Monad is multidimensional and eternal. You CANNOT have any fixed identity and you CANNOT be attached to something that doesn’t exist. That is a fallacy. One of the greatest fallacies we’ve fed ourselves. You, Yourself, Your Soul Monad is beyond all identification, beyond all attachment. You, Yourself, your Soul Monad is free, formless, and eternal. You cannot be reduced to fixed forms.
Do not pull yourself into polarity. And certainly, do not let a collective quagmire pull you into identity polarity.
You are not one or the other. You are ALL. IT’S ALL YOU.
YOU created you, to experience YOU.
Conclusion
Prior to writing this, I did not know what I thought, what I felt or even what I wanted anymore! I was sickened. Inert. Anesthetised. So, I had to write this out, to see it. And now that I can see it, I understand it. Taking this further, if I can understand myself, I can understand the plight of the world.
Maybe, there’s a seed in this for all of us.
Can we be the best parent to ourselves, the best neighbour to ourselves, the best friend to ourselves? Can we relinquish our identities, attachments and judgements? Do we have to be this or that? Right or wrong? Left or right? Need our choices be dictated to us?
Identity polarity is a choice. And I choose freedom!